Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The Playgirl model

couldn't wait to view the videos at Great Expectations and find my destiny. I knew he was looking for me too. I just knew it. The very first day, I sat there for eight hours, watching the men who had joined, listening to their hopes, their dreams, their hobbies, careers, did they smoke, drink, want children? One man wore a wrinkled tee shirt and had missing teeth but stressed that he would only date a woman who took great pride in her appearance. Another man noted that his hobby was to wrap himself in scotch tape and roll around on the floor. Too much information for me.
Then I saw an ex-fling of mine who was looking for “friendship.” This guy, who could not commit to anything more than friendship when we dated, was at least in touch with what he was looking for in the opposite sex. Tom was still hunky. When we dated, he was a clerk at a grocery store and a model for Playgirl Magazine. He didn't mention his modeling career. I’m sure if he did, he would have made a lot of “friends.” 

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Video dating

For the Great Expectations video, I was ushered into a tiny room and seated in a chair next to a fake tree
"Can I get an extra chair for my dog?" I asked the GE employee who was rolling his eyes, letting me know he thought it was strange that I wanted my dog in my video.  
"I guess so," he said before leaving the room. He returned quickly with a table instead of a chair.
"Can your dog sit on this?" 
"I'm sure she can," I answered as I lifted her up and placed her next to me. The GE employee rolled his eyes and stepped behind the camera to turn it on.
"And action," he said, pointing to me to begin. I stuttered a bit and had to start over several times. I could feel myself stiffening up and my voice cracking. Being in PR, I was used to telling my client’s stories. But when it came to talking about me, I was uptight and nervous and it showed. 
“I'm Susan and this is my dog Blondie. I work in the field of public relations and am as comfortable in blue jeans as I am in a cocktail dress,” my face strained for the camera, Blondie's legs began to slowly spread out in front of her. I reached over and placed her in a down.
“I like long walks on the beach,” with an elderly dog, long walks anywhere were out of the question plus, walks on the beach were something I rarely did so why did I say that? 
“A sense of humor is important to me but a love of animals is even more critical," I looked toward Blondie to make sure she was okay and was practically knocked over by her bad breath. 
"I would like to have children one day and enjoy spending time with my friend’s kids," just not changing any dirty diapers, I thought to myself. 
"I consider myself spiritual and attend church,” which was a stretch. I attended occasionally and felt total contempt toward God, holding him responsible for making this video in the first place. 
“I was raised in the San Fernando Valley and my parents still live in the house that I grew up in," important to mention in case someone was looking for an original Valley girl without the affected accent. 
"I am looking for someone with a good job," since all my boyfriends up to this point did not have jobs at all, this was high on my priority list, "someone who wants to share their life with me," how about start with just a date, huh? A little pressure there…. 
"Well, me and Blondie.” 

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Great Expectations

Out of total desperation, I decided to join Great Expectations, the video dating service, (this was before dating websites even existed, before I knew anything about the World Wide Web). I never thought I would resort to joining a dating service. I had always been the kind of person who had my choice of men. My mom said I drop kicked men. But I argued that I was just being picky, not setting for someone who wasn't right for me. Now, I was starting to realize she was right. I was my own worse enemy when it came to the opposite sex. Maybe this service would help me slow down, take my time to get to know a man before I got into a relationship. Of course, when I went to make my video, Blondie came along with me.  
“I’m Susan and this is my dog Blondie,” I started my video. We were seated together in front of a vase of flowers, Blondie panting and staring at me as I spoke, her bad breath smelling like old, used tires mixed with rancid meat made me feel woozy. Older dogs get bad breath, even when owners take good care of their pet’s teeth. I had Blondie’s teeth regularly cleaned at the vet and actually brushed them nightly myself with beef flavored toothpaste. But she was 13-years old by this time and her breath really smelled her age. 

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Red balloons

Blondie was there when I released two red, heart-shaped helium balloons into the sky. I attached another love note with my contact info thinking he could be anywhere in the world and hoping he would travel hundreds of thousands of miles to find me. At least that’s what I prayed to God about. I asked Blondie to pray to her God too. But even with both of us praying, I was still single. 

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Message in a bottle

Blondie lay right next to me on my bed and watched with curiosity as I placed on a piece of wedding cake under my pillow, hoping to dream about my future husband. She used her little nose to nudge at my pillow, trying to get to the cake and eat it. We didn't get much sleep that night.
Blondie stayed in my car as I lit candles in the Catholic Church near my home asking God to send me my husband  When that didn't work, I was prayed over by an Episcopal Priest hoping his connection to God would make the difference. Next, I found a fortune teller who let me bring my dog to a reading. Blondie relaxed at my feet while I learned that I was going to be married by the time I was 34 and would have two children. Blondie watched me take special baths filled with love potion I bought at a Botanica and gave her sniff of approval before I lit love candles.
One foggy overcast night, Blondie joined me at the beach where we howled at the moon to summon my man. I threw a bottle into the ocean to carry a love note to my soul mate on some distant shore. I wasn't worried that Blondie would run into the tide to retrieve it. She hated to get her dainty little feet wet. 

Monday, December 3, 2012

Wish upon a star

I didn't let the latest dating debacle get me down. Okay, Hank was not the one for me but surly there was a man out there waiting for me. We just had to find each other. So I read all the self help books I could find on the subject of ending my single status and followed some crazy advice. Of course, Blondie was right there by my side loving me unconditionally without casting judgement.
One book suggested I empty a drawer in my bedroom to make room for “him.” As I took the socks out of my top drawer, Blondie watched with curiosity. She stuck her nose in the middle of the mess I made on the floor then proceeded to roll around on my socks.
Blondie got bored and fell asleep while I wrote a list of all the qualifications I wanted in the perfect man. I read list nightly until I grew completely bored. So Blondie and I took the list outside and burned it sending smoke signals to the Gods. Blondie scratched her butt during the impromptu ceremony. 
None of the book advice I read was working so I signed up for expensive seminars designed for single people like me. I left Blondie at home when I healed my shame, met my inner child and cried over former lovers but she was with me when we danced to the new moon and wished upon a star.