I still had to service all these non-paying, trade accounts to the best of my ability. They all expected articles and interviews and rightfully so as they were fulfilling their side of our agreement. I had to do everything in my power to get them the media coverage they deserved.
As days turned into weeks and weeks into months, my energy to get the job done began to wane. Besides servicing these clients, I was still on the hunt for a new full time job. Both efforts required a positive state of mind. My feelings of being inadequate were paralyzing me from moving forward. I had become my own worst enemy.
Fighting the voices in my head was not new for me. In fact, there was always something non-supportive running through my brain. Most of the time, I could push past that negative self talk but when I felt overwhelmed and worried, I would become completely cut off from life. I hadn't yet learned what to do with these nullifying voices. Since then, I've realized that it's impossible to get rid of those invalidating voices but I've mastered techniques to keep the negative self talk from taking over my life. Back then, my brain was filled with faultfinding ideas.
“See you are a big loser,” one voice in my head told me.
“You’ll never amount to anything,” another voice echoed. Even my pound mutt Blondie started to revert back to her old ways, cringing and walking with her tail between her legs. By the end of the second month of my unemployment, we were both complete messes.
I remember the morning I woke up and decided enough was enough. I had to stop berating myself. I looked to Blondie for help. With her deep brown soulful eyes, Blondie was encouraging me to take her on a long walk. I was especially grateful to have a dog that made me get out of the house and hopefully out of my head. As I rounded my block and headed for the gardens on Santa Monica Blvd in Beverly Hills, I began to feel a little better. I could see the flowers in bloom and appreciate the art sculptures that lined the path. I felt a sense of relief. My thinking became clearer and the overwhelming doom and gloom I was feeling began to dissipate.